Proselytizer: Hi, I think I talked to your wife Jane last week?
Me (trying to keep both dogs from going out the front door): I really doubt that. Are you sure you have the right address?
Me (internal monologue): Please go away, please go away, why didn’t I get a vicious dog when I had the chance? Please go away.
Proselytizer: Well, we’re going around giving out this brochure, What God Requires….
Me (internal monologue): What GOD requires? Um, isn’t he fucking omnipotent? I think if he required anything, he could get it.
Me: Actually, I’m sorry, but I have to get back to work, thank you.
Me (internal monologue, watching woman and her friend get into large gold Lexus SUV): Apparently, God doesn’t require you to live too humbly. That thing gonna fit through the eye of that needle, honey?
And this is why I should never answer the door when I come home at lunchtime.