Ding dong

Proselytizer: Hi, I think I talked to your wife Jane last week?
Me (trying to keep both dogs from going out the front door): I really doubt that. Are you sure you have the right address?
Me (internal monologue): Please go away, please go away, why didn’t I get a vicious dog when I had the chance? Please go away.
Proselytizer: Well, we’re going around giving out this brochure, What God Requires….
Me (internal monologue): What GOD requires? Um, isn’t he fucking omnipotent? I think if he required anything, he could get it.
Me: Actually, I’m sorry, but I have to get back to work, thank you.
Me (internal monologue, watching woman and her friend get into large gold Lexus SUV): Apparently, God doesn’t require you to live too humbly. That thing gonna fit through the eye of that needle, honey?

And this is why I should never answer the door when I come home at lunchtime.

4 thoughts on “Ding dong

  1. You know, I always wonder why they go around during the day when hardly anyone is home. And then I remember that I’m home. I guess housewives are a target market.

    One of the good things about living on base was no unwelcome knocks on my door.

    Also, I love that you also think “eye of the needle”. I’m always thinking that!

  2. We had people from a Baptist church around the corner flood our neighborhood a couple weeks ago. All the women had their hair in buns and wear wearing long, floral dresses. They looked like those Mormon polygamists you see on the news. My only wish is that Jay and I had been sitting on the front porch, holding hands.

  3. “… your wife Jane …” That deserved a response of “He hasn’t gone by ‘Jane’ since the transition.” That would have ended the conversation. 😉

  4. I just answer the door with a ciggie hanging out of my mouth and holding a beer. When they deliver their first line, I tell them my husband’s a pastor. By that time they’re so shocked that it’s easy to close the door on them while they’re standing there with their mouths gaping. I love that game.

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